Sunday, May 2, 2010

MARRIAGE: THE NEW & THE OLD

I went to a Bridal Shower today. The best part beside the wonderful food and the beautiful cupcakes for dessert, was the sight of the moonstruck bride and groom to be. I look at those faces, so full of promise, and their affection, so new but sure. And as much as I admired the new dishes and crystal and home decor pieces this lovely couple received, I also thought about what they were in store for. At one point, Matt (the future husband) was helping unwrap a gift and Jackie, ( the bride to be) announced very loudly, "If you break the ribbon, you will be pregnant with the child!". I am assuming all of you know the little shower game of a broken ribbon meaning a baby...


So I think we all take a little walk down marriage memory lane when we are at these functions (don't get me started on baby showers, I wanted 6 kids). So much promise, so much love. And then I came home...
These are not the shaggy shrubs they were an hour ago. They are done now after a long drawn out battle with The Husband to take care of them. This may not be a pretty post and it may be wordy for some, so you have your chance to escape now. I left for the shower and asked that The Husband please trim the bushes. When I arrived home, they were same and I found The Husband had gone off to his office downtown to work. Now tell me ladies....is this not work that benefits the family as much as the work that puts the food on the table? And without exaggeration, I did all of the yard work up until a few years ago when we hired help, and I did it with four small children running around.
Looking at the loving couple together today.... I thought, will they have the same issues my husband and I have? Granted. we have settled in such a way that we don't have the same silly fights we used to have early in our marriage (and we thought they were very serious at the time). But was today silly? He came home, I expressed my disappointment, and he proceeded to work with Emily on the shrubs because God knows, we can't work together!!

Oh....I am just venting. I mean I am writing a post about yard work! What made me so upset is that I was putting away the extension cord and I twisted my ankle in an indentation, rabbit hole or what have you and his reaction was anger because I swore, as in said a bad word, instead of compassion for my ankle and scraped knee.
When we left for the bridal shower today, I told Emily humorously that the hardest part was seeing all the gifts of household items that we, who have been married forever, could use. But I was wrong. We need to keep that common respect, courtesy, love and caring in our marriages. Today wasn't a big example of this and I am not saying that I was perfect in this whole situation....there are always two sides.

So this is an entry into Blondie's Journal. What I meant for this blog to be. Have you ever been through something like this that made you wish you could start from scratch without all the weight of "who should, why should I? Blah, blah blah? I think I started out having a wonderful day. And now The Husband might be feeling bad because I cried when I fell in the hole. He is making reservations for New Orleans.


60 comments:

Cindy (Applestone Cottage) said...

Hey Dearie,
I totally understand what you are saying. Marriage can be hard work and it doesn't always go the way we planned. I think a lot of us can relate. You take care,
Cindy

Pat said...

Day to day things are "life" and it truly is difficult. I'm not married but I'm listening to some CD's from a workshop conducted by Allison Armstrong ~ "In Sync with the Opposite Sex". She has written many books and is the creator of another workshop, "Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women". A dear friend of mine is assisting and she highly recommends them. I was not able to attend the latest one held in this area due to my move. Hopefully, another will be scheduled here. The next one is in Austin, TX in June.

Sounds like he's trying to do a good thing by scheduling New Orleans! :-) I wish you the best along with swift healing.

xoxo
Pat

Julie@beingRUBY said...

Dear Jane
Well I am not married but I think all relationships take work and care.. to be honest.. I think the best are those where you can speak your mind.. or have a little tantie now and then.. it's real and honest.. and no one wants to walk on eggshells....

Hope your ankle is feeling better.. and the upside is the potential trip... hugs and kisses works a treat!!! xxx Julie

MrsKBJ said...

I hope you are feeling better! I think all marriages have little bumpy times. Just remember to always kiss each other good night and a happy wife is a happy life :O) That trip sounds like fun!! Enjoy and have fun planning!!
Kelly

susan said...

Jane-I think we all have days when we would like a "do over" I know that watching my newly married daughter with so much hope and promise at times makes me a little nostalgic, wishing I could do it all again. And yes, I would marry him again--even knowing all I know now :). It may not be quite as exciting, but there is comfort even in that. Now...I am off to find a hole, fall in, cry, and pray for reservations in NO--maybe we could meet :) Take care of the ankle!

Kathy's Red Door Welcome said...

Thanks for your honesty! After thirty six years of marriage myself, I know there are peaks and valleys, so this little story of yours doesn't bother me one little bit. A few years ago my middle daughter used to say she never wanted to be married because she was afraid her marriage would turn out like ours. (I took real offense to this, because I knew she wasn't seeing the whole picture). Now she is 33 and yesterday she said to me "you and dad just don't know how lucky you are and I want what you have". Keeping it real and working through those little spats make us stronger and more compassionate, but it's also good to see young love and not forget why we fell in love in the first place. Please forgive me for my wordiness, I tend to get a little carried away.

~Carrie from Cottage Cozy~ said...

I had a very similar day...just different circumstances...urggg!

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

Met him at 17 and was married 43 years. I loved him...still do..but it was not all peaches and cream. The shrub thing is small but sometimes it is a symbol of something a tad larger that needs to be worked through.
The trip is good, I agree, but it is for him as well. Right?

Our problem was that our life from the beginning and for the next 20 years was spent in the Marine Corp and not together enough to really work anything out. It is good that you have time...time to talk, to communicate and work though these "little things". I think there isn't a married woman out here that hasn't gone through similar things. It's just marriage. Living in constant togetherness and literally making two people work in one life. Not an easy task...not at all.
This is my third husband having lost two to cancer and I am still learning, sweet friend. Your ends will come out even because you both care.
My new husband doesn't like to be told how to do anything! OR to DO anything! All three husbands took issue if I DEMANDED something be done! It's a guy thing? The problem is they can't say HOW they feel. That it is demeaning to them to be ordered, no matter how nicely. :)
Enjoy the trip...love is wonderful and sometimes shrubs get in the way.
Love and hugs... (another wordy comment!) :)
Mona

Marsha's Mpressions said...

oh Jane, we all have those days. Tomorrow will be a better day. :)

Pondside said...

I think we all need to vent once in a while. I think my Great Dane is wonderful after 37 years, but that doesn't mean we don't have moments like yours. You'll get past it - and so will he.
I hope that trip to New Orleans is for both of you!

AshTreeCottage said...

Sometimes I find myself complaining about silly little meaningless things and I don't like myself very much when I do. When I say my prayers at night I also try to list the things for which I am thankful. I have learned that focusing on the blessings and not the disappointments helps me to keep my life in balance. So tomorrow, think about the trip your husband is planning for you and not the bushes. Tomorrow things will look brighter.

Love,
Susan and Bentley
xxoo

Theresa said...

We all have those days! It is hard sometimes to get the point across to the hubby but I mention things a couple times and then just do it myself:) hehe Hope all is well and New Orleans will work for me! Have a blessed day my friend!

Tennis Girl said...

Hi Jane,
Yes, we have all been there in marriage, one way or another. This is my second marriage, and he is a good husband, but sometimes things get "off kilter" once in awhile. Men can't express the way they feel, as we do. We are all human, with flaws, and as much as we might love someone, they don't think the same as we do, or act, or, I think are as "understanding" as we are, even though we might have similar fundemantal beliefs and values.
I hope your day is better, my friend. You are not alone.
xo
Robin

C'est Moi, Julie Marie said...

Hi Janie, I so love your posts, as you write exactly the way you feel, that's how a journal should be... after 33 years, Jack and I have certainly had our ups and downs... I am a very sensitive person and tend to get my feelings hurt very easily... but I cannot imagine my life without him! You can always vent to me... I do hope your ankle is ok... and New Orleans, how exciting!!! Love to you... xoxo Julie Marie PS There is a cute older country song called "Men"... one of the lines goes "You can't live with them and you just can't shoot them... Men!"

Lynn@ The Vintage Nest said...

Life is life .... live it to the fullest and don't let the bushes get in the way.

April said...

I've been married to my one and only for nearly 21 years. We've had our share of ups and downs...all couples do. However, you have to go through the storms of life to appreciate the rainbows. My hubby is my best friend and I have his back...and I know he has mine.

Dana and Daisy said...

we had a big fight on Saturday about cords to the DVD and tv. I can't stand them to show, he could care less... cord management... it's been a topic of my blog before, you know.

Sometimes I think he just does it to irritate me.

Blue Creek Home said...

You guys sound like most couples I know who have been married "forever"!!! including us!

It's a never ending 'give and take', 'forgive and forget', and 'move on' life around here...with a whole lot of love, respect, and fun mixed in.

Our spats never end in romantic trips to New Orleans though...I may have to sprain an ankle next time!!!
Rhonda

{Bellamere Cottage} said...

I hope today is a NEW DAY.....sometimes those "little" things are the ones that will fire us up, aren't they? I actually had a similar conversation with my husband yesterday....about the YARD as well...

I wish HE'D make reservations for New Orleans too!

Huggies,

Spencer

PAT said...

Thank you for this wonderful post, Jane!

GardenofDaisies said...

I hope you are feeling better about everything this morning. Sending you a hug.

shabbyrosetreasures said...

Oh sweetie, it is funny that you comment on this, because I use to be so taken by anything and everything bridal, now I wonder how this whole ordeal can be so glamorized, and I have a wonderful marriage but it is WORK....sigh hugs to you!
OliviA

Judi said...

I think I understand that you asked for something to be taken care of and it wasn't ~ I'm sure you felt hurt! I always try to look at all I can be thankful for, it helps a bit :) Hope your ankle is better before your big trip!!! Sending cheer your way! Judi

Lou Cinda said...

Oh Jane!! I was thinking when I was reading the first of your post, "give them 5 years and a couple of kids!" And that is SO true! I am a stickler about my yard and I think I do MORE than my fair share around my abode! Hence, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, AND I do yard work! So girl...I HEAR YA'

HOWEVER! You are getting to go to New Orleans! That is a good thing!!

Love ya'

Lou Cinda :)

And honey, your hubby would CHOKE if he could hear me when I am frustrated and irritated and then add in a fall into a hole? COVER YOUR EARS!!!!! lol

I really need to do better!

Brenda@Cozy Little House said...

Loved this, dear one! Like a house has to settle, I think so do marriages. I should know something about them. I've had three. But then again, if I knew very much, why would there have been a need for three? Ah, the question nags at me at moments when I too am cursing him. (Yours wouldn't last long with me, honey. I'm the proverbial sailor with language. And as a journalism major, it isn't for the lack of words I know!) Loved this post!
Brenda

sissie said...

Hi Jane,
My husband and I have been married for 36 years this month. It has been rough at times and not always what I thought it would at the beginning. I understand completely what you are saying here and thanks for expressing yourself so well.

hugs
Sissie

Sue (Someone's Mom) said...

Marriage isn't always easy, certainly not if you stay together for many years. So many today jump ship when the going gets tough and they never work through the issues that seem too difficult at the time.

As for getting things done at home...I find a list works best. If I make my husband a list...he does everything I put on it, if I ask him to do something he just might get busy and forget. The list has been a great success for our 35 years!

Knitty said...

What funny timing...I wrote about my wedding today, and later fumed a bit over a fax machine. My home office used to be all mine until Bill retired. Now his stuff is in here too and it is more crowded than I would like, but I have compassion for him retiring earlier than he would have liked, closing his business at the end of the year.

Some things are still in storage. The fax machine came home because he thought it would be a good idea. He wanted it here in the home office. To be near the phone connection, it would need to be next to where I sit. Grrrrrr. I suggested another room with a desk since it won't be used often. That didn't go over well. I relented and surprised him by putting the dang thing where he wanted it.

Today he tried to use the fax. The phone connection that was on the wall behind our wall unit of shelves was removed when we switched cable companies. The fax is currently on a table in the family room where he could easily get to the phone connection. It is NOT going to stay there!

Do I love him dearly? Of course I do. Does he frustrate me sometimes? Of course!

Good thing I never do anything to frustrate him. :)

Chatelaine said...

Why don't men do exactly as we say? I'm not married and I was with the wrong man for almost 20 years.
Since obviously I am not an expert, I will say no more on the subject.

New Orleans sounds wonderful. Hope you ankle is better.

Nola @ the Alamo said...

This is my first visit, and I picked a good day. Too often I arrive at a blog for the first time only to read that the blogger lives in a perfect home with the perfect husband and perfect children; some of them have perfect pets and perfect suv's (you get the picture). I cannot, without profanity tell you how quickly I make my exit. I love reading about people's "real" lives; if I wanted fiction or fairy tales, I'd turn on the tube.
Follow up with that couple in 20 years and lets see how their lives are going! Don't mean to sound jaded, I'm just "real" (and over 50), so there's been lots of water (as well as an ex-husband and many lovers) under the bridge. Anyway, love your writing style! Have a blast in the crescent city... Laissez les bon temps rouler!

FLOWERSHOPGURL said...

Hi Jane, I completely understand what you are going through. I try not to nag the husband and am careful how I ask for his help. I too have mostly cared for our yard, home and raising the children while he was hard a work. Last summer I had him take out my 20'x 40' inground pool that I had cared for for over 20 years. It's so sad looking in my back yard now...but I couldn't take care of it by myself any longer and didn't want it to be a burden placed on my children, as they are grown and have their own busy lives. Some days I have regret and others I'm fine, it was my choice after all. I hope you are feeling better soon and I hope your trip is awesome. Hubby needs to make up for your twisted ankle big time. Have a nice evening!
And a special thank you for always taking the time and visiting and leaving your sweet comments.
Hugz,
Kim

Melanie said...

We all understand what you are going through. Sometimes you just have to vent and we will all gladly listen.

cityfarmer said...

get out of dodge girl!!!

clear the air

Debra@Common Ground said...

Been there done that so many many times. We still have our "moments", but we both have mellowed and we try to look at things from the other's perspective. Sometimes it just takes a little showdown to get it all out. Glad your shrubs are trimmed and the trip sounds great!
xo,
Debra

FEDERICA said...

Soo sweet! That cake looks delicious!
Wish you a beautiful week,
Federica.
xoxo

Suzann said...

This post struck my this morning and I recalled a comment someone made about my husband and I a few weeks ago. I struggle with our marriage - I think most do, but this comment made me feel like maybe I'm doing something right. Someone had mentioned my husband's first wife/wedding. Another person jumped in and said, "the first time Brian had a wedding, this time Brian has a marriage".

Mary said...

I have a quote taped on my fridge..."Life is one damned thing after another"...doesn't that just sum it up sometimes?? Things will look up...take a little trip...get away and regroup. Sometimes we just need a little perspective.

~mary~

Liz said...

UGH! I hate "those" situations. Some times they are the ones that linger and cause the most pain. Tell The Hubs your sorry. Even if you don't think you should. (oh I wish I could follow my own advice) Remember why you love him and tell him. If he's like mine he'll look at you like your crazy for a moment and then tell you he loves you too. Then call "Do overs"
Sometimes this actually works for us. :)
Have a great week!
~Liz
P.S. I tried to install your button but it is too big for my side bar... do you know how to fix that?

My Grama's Soul said...

Of course I fit in to the I wish I would of category.

I think if I had more foresight than hindsight, I would fair much better in all things!! LOL

Blessings,

Jo

Take care of that ankle.

Rubyred said...

Oh dear, I have days like that too!Not very often thankfully! Hope your poor ankle is feeling better soon! Hubby's just don't have the same priorities as we do some times!Bet you've made up now!
Sending you a hug!
Rachel x

Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

I was nodding my head the entire time I was reading your post.

Have sheets with holes that need replacing? Yep. Towels. Ditto.

When I was getting ready for the 70's Soiree I sweetly told Mr. Decor on the weekend before that he needed to get the yard cleaned up. (He refuses to pay anyone else.) I had enough with school, my internship, keeping the house running and cleaning it for guests. Not to mention the party prep on the food and decor. By Friday I was a total nut job as NOTHING had been done as he was working 10 hours days. I ended up having to hire the neighborhood kids (ages 9, 10) to pull weeds.
In the end I just had to let my level of standards go.

Overall I am so thankful for my man. But some days... :)

myletterstoemily said...

dear jane,

i so appreciate your honesty and imagine
you have a very good, solid marriage.

it has been my experience that the people
who never seem to have any trouble, often
have the worst problems.

blessings,
lea

Kim said...

Oh honey, I am SO there with you. We just celebrated our 17th on Sat. and it was indeed a time of reflection for both of us. How far we've come, how much we've overcome. It never gets easier, that's for sure. It takes work. Lots and lots of work. And prayer. We learned during the hardest of times how important it is to keep God at the center of our marriage. I've never mentioned this on my blog, but we went through the ultimate marriage trial if you know what I mean. We made it through wiser and stronger. I think the longer you're married the easier it becomes to accept eachother's quirks and faults. We don't take them so personally but accept them for what they are, a learned behavior that began long before we even met. That's why so many marriages end when they do - in the beginning. It's a learned habbit. Sorry for being so long-winded here. I guess your post struck a chord with me.
love ya sister!
Kim

♥ Sonny ♥ said...

aww bless your heart.. It'll be ok, it'll blow over and things will get back to normal..
I'm sitting here humming that old country song- Talkin' Bout MEN.. if you dont know it- google it on utube. Then next time theres a fuss- sing it to yourself.
hugs
Sonny

Helena - A Diary of Lovely said...

not married either, but living with my partner, not easy but as many in our situation we make it work because we believe it's worth it
Great post

podso said...

what a great post ... just the way it is in life. Marriage is not a bed of roses, that's for sure, but I don't think your bush incident is as big a deal as you said it used to be when you were young. A seasoned marriage can take these kind of things ... and then go on, realizing the commitment you have for each other, and the history you share together which I think is huge. The bushes and your house look really nice, by the way! Smiling for you,

dotsie

Posted From Home said...

Hi Jane
Thanks so much for following me over to the "new" blog :-)& for writing your wonderfully honest posts ♥

Marydon Ford said...

You nailed this right to the 'T', my friend. I don't want to get started as I'll never shut up. Been there ...hope your injury is better now.
Hugs, Marydon

Claudia said...

I loved your honesty in this post. Thank you. If everyone was honest about this we would all say we've had these feelings about our spouses - the anger and frustration. I've had them. I have a wonderful marriage, but there are times that it is rough and I get angry and dare I say it? resentful. If I fell like you did, I would be swearing to beat the band.

Good for you for sharing so honestly.

Beautiful pear tree lane said...

Jane,
I am sitting here trying to decide if i want to confess or just pretend everything was, is and will be perfect. And without me saying anymore we all know the truth about marriage. I heard a minister once say that marriage was hard at its best, and that we had to work on it everyday, some days I want to other days I don't lol

As always I enjoy anything you have written, thanks for stopping by and for taking the time to leave me a sweet comment. I love using my dishwasher when I am canning.
Enjoy the week, and New Orleans, and I hope your ankle heals soon.
Hugs,
Sue

Yvonne @ StoneGable said...

Oh, I think if you have been married a number of years we have all been there.

Thank you for the wonderful reminder of loving my husband through his foibles- because he is very good at loving me through mine!

Hope your ankle is feeling better. And good for you... a trip to New Orleans! Now if that isn't love I don't know what is!
Yvonne

Karena said...

If you want to experience the highs, there will be low points as well, we just work through it to the other side!

Karena
Art by Karena

Cindy (Applestone Cottage) said...

Good Morning Jane,
The flowers in front of our house are phlox. They were here when we moved in and quite established. They have gorgeous purple flowers about mid to late July. I am still fighting this nasty cold and looking forward to the day when I feel normal again.
Take Care and I hope you have a great day!
Cindy

Shellbelle said...

Years ago a friend bought me a magnet for my refrigerator that reads, "I want a man in my life, I just don't want him in my house." I guess I've lived by that motto; I've been married twice and combined they lasted about five years. Some of us just aren't the "marryin' kind" and that includes me.

But, then I read on someone's blog about something a sweet, considerate husband did and I rethink my position. Thanks for bringing me back to reality, lol.

Thanks for dropping in, I've missed you and your straightforwardness also. You don't pull any punches and that's why I love your blog and you too!

I've been reading back, so I can catch up a bit. I love the open shelves at the lakehouse. My new kitchen didn't have enough cabinets to hold all my crap, I mean dishes, so I put two pine bookshelves in the eat-in area and must say, I really love the look. I've been shopping around for a china hutch and have seen several Hoosier cabinets. One was too long and the other was in very poor shape. The hunt continues! Yours looks like the perfect size for my space, so don't be alarmed if you hear noises in your house.

Tammy@ A Doctor in the House said...

Thanks for a reality post. My hubs and I were laughing the other day b/c we stumbled upon a youtube clip where the guy was talking about this very subject. He said he wanted to tell the young engaged couple who was in lala land "it's not what you think it is. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just not what you think it is." Unfortunately, the only way to learn that is to live it. But thank God for wisdom, experience and trips to New Orleans!

Nancy said...

You know I am doing just that now...who shall I be? Where should we work? Where should we live? Three weeks of me time while my husband is in Taiwan.

And, for us too, working together just doesn't seem to occur to my husband. Although, I will say, as the ONE who looks for houses (zip codes), finds the bargains there, and presents them for a profit (hopefully), if he had allowed me to paint along side him, we would not have had a case for pricing on our house for sale. It was an unfinished house and I didn't know it when we purchased. With this info, we may ultimately be okay. As I told him, "working TOGETHER can pay off". In our case, literally.

I would say this is the biggest thing in our marriage that makes me crazy and actually hurts. I hope my husband has a take away from the painting project.

GWENDOLYN said...

Jane,
I want to thank you for the kind words you left me about my bipolar disorder. I really appreciate the understanding and compassion. I am sorry to hear that your hubby did not comfort you at your fall. Sometimes we need our knights in shining armour.... I have a funny story.... about 4 years ago or so... we were remodeling our dining room, we had put a whole in the floor for a register... and I backed up into it and fell down to my knee .. Thank goodness, hubby was in the room, otherwise I would have been stuck there for quite sometime. I surrived and we retrieved my shoe from the basement. ha! can you picture me ... half way through the floor ...just like in those comedies. I hope you and your dear one sort out your differences. Blessings and hugs
Gwen

Rettabug said...

Oh Jane, I can soooooooo relate to this conversation you're having with all of us. :-)
Its just part of marriage. Lots of "Compromise"
Just wait till he retires...oh boy! Whole new set of circumstances to get used to.

I hope you have a wonderful trip to LA. Try to see the aquarium, esp. the shark tank. Really awesome!

Kathleen said...

It's part of life, Jane!
DH will be arguing for 40 yrs next Sunday..who knew?
So many really hard times, serious health issues.
But God was with us, and we will just go along arguing, and laughing! It works!
Happy Mother's Day dear girl!

My Crafty Little Page said...

Of course I know what you mean, Janie! We celebrated our anniversary last Friday. I was 17 which was way too young but it worked for me and here we are all these years later. And yes I've almost killed him a few times and sometimes falling in a hole really revitalizes a marriage!!! I love your journal...have I ever told you that? xoxo Nancy