Lately I have been thinking increasingly more about time. The past, present and future. There are so many changes going on in my life, but so often I feel like I am stagnant. Immobile. All the while, time is blowing away much as this feather did. I have so many things I want to do, want to achieve, want to accomplish, but something inside of me has changed and I don't know how or why. Things I wanted before, I don't any longer. And things I never wished for in the past, I long for now. And as I struggle with these thoughts, time just passes by, and I know with all of my heart that time is precious.
I have lived a very wonderful life. I have been gifted with so much that I really have nothing to yearn for. I can look back at my younger years and then those years newly married, having children, making a home and though I have many regrets, they all came with huge lessons learned. And as glorious and perfect as one's life can appear on the outside, there are stories that can be told that are far from all appearances.
I have heard that the reason elderly people talk so much about the past is because that is where they want to be. Their glory days. The days of love and sun and sand. This is not to say that we can't grow old happily, we just tend to forget the bad and languish in the good. And lately I have been doing a lot of that because I just don't know what the next chapter of my life will be like. I am not afraid to turn that proverbial page, it just feels as if I have only so many more pages to fill in and I don't know what to write. I don't know where to start.
I have lived such a great life. I have had so many passions. For family and friends. For cooking and gardening and reading and writing. The love I have for my four children is almost too much to hold in my heart! I am filled with gratitude. Those years raising them and being a wife, yes, there are some pages I would definitely erase if I could. But mostly I think I did a pretty good job and jumped over many more cracks than the ones I could have fallen in to.
However something had changed inside of me and it has been gradual. It has just reached the point where I seem to be doing more self~examination than I do taking action. Of course, most of you know I am facing the empty nest as I droned on about in a post a few months ago. Bu this is bigger than that. And yes, it involves what I want to do with my life now, but foremost, what happened to the old me?